it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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