his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
