now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Randomize
