was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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