life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
