somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
