i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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