I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
