At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
