we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
