can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
