The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
