It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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