I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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