Tell her she can't have a vagina
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
