Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
