just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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