No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
These tits shall not be calmed
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Randomize
