My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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