I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
