I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
