I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
