Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Randomize
