filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
