I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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