in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
