Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
