im six kinds of drunk right now
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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