We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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