I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
