6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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