You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I think im going to throw up on grandma
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
