There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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