Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
