When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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