you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
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I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
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Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
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