Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
