OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
