I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
