Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
my sisters under your porch take her home
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
