His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Dignity is for republicans.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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