update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Randomize
