Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
