2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
