Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
