My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
