Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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