Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
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I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
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my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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