You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Randomize
