Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
