Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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