i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
