My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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