Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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