Quick, to the slutcave!
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
