its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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