my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Randomize
