If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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