I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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